[TriLUG] OT: DB2 Developer position Translated ;-)

[William Sutton]

All this time I thought it was a buffet system:  "Oh, our competitors are 
looking for someone with DB2, Perl, and Java.  We better add XML Schema, 
Lisp, Cold Fusion, ASP.Net, Apache, IIS, EJB, J2EE, Postgresql, Oracle 
and Python."

Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

-- 
William Sutton


On Mon, 6 Aug 2007, Andrew C. Oliver wrote:

> I felt like translating it to english...
> 
> Matt Frye wrote:
> > As always, please reply directly to the recruiter, not to me, not to the list.
>  >
> > My name is Adalita and I am with Tiger Team, Inc., a new IT recruiting
> > company in the Triangle area.  We currently have a contract DB2
> > Database Developer position available immediately with a large IT
> > company in RTP.
> > 
> 
> IBM.
> 
> > Small, dynamic, fast-paced team seeking highly skilled DB2 Database
> > Developer.  This is an occasional work from home position.
> >
> 
> We're understaffed and managed to get one contractor as a compromise to 
> headcount.  The last guy we hired cracked under the pressure and 
> protested the semi-illegal unpaid overtime so we had to can him.
> 
> > Responsibilities:
> > 
> > - Will work closely with other team members (Development, Project
> > Management, Testers and SysAdmin) as well as external clients in the
> > support of a highly-visible in-production metrics web-application as
> > well as development and staging environments
> > 
> 
> You'll have 4 project managers and 4 bosses at any one time.  Managers 
> will constantly ping you for "status" and "reports".
> 
> > - Ability to install, configure, troubleshoot, and upgrade DB2
> > products and services
> 
> You do everything...we watch.
> 
> > 
> > - Must have strong database analysis, design skills to review and
> > consult on application deployment and
> > design.
> 
> The last guy sucked and couldn't even figure out how to generate a basic 
> schema or sql script.
> 
> > 
> > - Ability to assist development community in troubleshooting
> > application functionality issues.
> > 
> 
> The developers are idiots and blame everything on the database.
> 
> > - Must be able to import, model data, design and document databases
> > and schemas for various new and upcoming business needs as well as in
> > the continued support of metrics for end-users who use this data to
> > drive the business
> 
> users will call you at all hours of the day.
> 
> > 
> > - Database administration including but not limited to creating
> > accounts, permissioning, backups, mirroring, and synchronization.
> > 
> 
> Basically we want you to do everything with this beast.
> 
> > - Thorough understanding of the data (or ability to learn it) from a
> > business perspective in order to perform ad hoc analytics and research
> > as needed by Management, Development and/or external clients and
> > explain the results of such in an articulate manner to a varied
> > internal and external audience
> 
> We're not well staffed on the business side and so you'll have to do 
> your own project management because our project managers just ask for 
> status and don't know anything.  Only English as a first language for 
> this job, the last guy barely spoke a word...
> 
> > 
> > - Tune databases and systems for peak performance
> > 
> 
> Our developers are idiots and we've created a heck of a mess but somehow 
> we'd like you to make it fast.
> 
> > - Automate the loading of data throughout the month via an ETL tool or
> > scripts from disparate and varied data sources of varying types
> > ranging from flat files, to Excel files to DB2 databases.
> > 
> 
> We have no control or concept of our data and it just kind of comes in 
> via a big blob oh stuff from various places...  We can't vouch for its 
> validity or anything...  Please make it work anyhow!
> 
> > 
> > 
> > Required Qualifications:
> > 
> > - Minimum of 5 years of professional database modeling, design, and development
> > 
> 
> cheap
> 
> > - Thorough experience with DB2 and SQL 92
> > 
> 
> We're on an old version of DB2
> 
> > - Experience with scripting languages such as Python/Perl
> > 
> 
> our developers are a bunch of script monkeys
> 
> > - Thorough knowledge of at least one database modeling/design tool
> > 
> 
> Erwin
> 
> > - Knowledge of sophisticated querying tools such as DbVisualizer as
> > well as  Command Line skills
> > 
> > - Excellent understanding of Linux, especially DB2 on Linux
> > 
> 
> the last guy was a windows guy
> 
> > - Knowledge of Enterprise Java is highly desirable as the Development
> > team to be supported are all Java
> > 
> 
> We want you to do everything.  The script monkeys just learned Java.  It 
> won't be long before they all leave for more money and a chance to work 
> with anything but DB2.
> 
> > - Depending on ability and desire, this position eventually could
> > become 80 database / 20 development
> > 
> 
> 80 hrs/wk database...we dangle development before you because so many 
> DBAs want to be developers...if you'll work 100 hrs/wk hey we can always 
> use more developers!
> 
> > - Ability to manage and prioritize many competing tasks.
> > 
> 
> our management has a complete inability to prioritize and accept all 
> work and dump it on you and expect you to figure out (just work more 
> hours) how to get it all done.  If you don't get it done we'll fire you 
> and outsource it and then wonder why we still can't get everything we 
> haven't sufficiently staffed for done...
> 
> > - Ability to perform work independently on assignments
> > 
> 
> You're on you own.  No one will help you!
> 
> > - BA/BS Degree in Computer Science or related technical discipline preferred.
> > 
> 
> Our HR people will do most of the interviewing.
> 
> > Local candidates only.  Please submit your resume to
> > recruiting at tigerteaminc.com.
> 
> No Telecommuting...we want you here NIGHT and DAY.  Also we have very 
> byzantine network practices that will prevent any remote administration. 
>   Hey just last week we replaced the token ring!
> 
> -Andy
>